mailbox ˚✿﹕her letters

hi hi hi,

i touched on what i'm going to write about in my microblog, but i felt like ranting about it and a few of my own experiences here. intimacy! relationships! etc! how lovely.

i've gone to an all-girls school for just about 7 years now, so i think it's safe to say that boys were brought up waaay more than necessary. because of that, i definitely felt pressured to "catch up" with the people around me, even though my main priority at the time should've been learning basic trig lol. there was a weird competitiveness around physical intimacy, male attention, etc etc etc. i'm sure you get it.

i remember being around 13 and overhearing an upper sixth talk about her experiences with her boyfriend. it didn't really come across as something she was happy or excited about. it kinda felt like she was ticking something off of a checklist she felt like she was supposed to complete.

back then, i didn't know how to process it. the way it was framed in my head made it seem like something people were expected to talk about as an achievement or milestone? or something to have "completed" at a certain point/age. looking back on it now, i have no idea why it stuck with me so much, but i guess it's an example of how early i took on the idea that sexual experiences were things you were meant to keep up with.

more recently, a friend of a friend broke up with her boyfriend. i never spoke to her that much, but whenever we did, i remember her complaining about him constantly. she'd talk about how he always played hard to get unless he wanted something from her, how emotionally unavailable he was, how he was generally hard to get along with, and so on. i asked her why she wouldn't just break up with him, and she couldn't give me a straight answer.

i have to admit that i was confused at first, but i don't think she was stupid for staying for as long as she had or incapable of recognising she deserved better. if she was able to list all of that bullshit off and articulate their problems so clearly, then i'm 99% sure she knew. i bring this up because i was reading about the 'sunk cost fallacy' and it kind of reminded me of her situation: staying with him not because the relationship made her feel wanted and loved, but because leaving would be admitting that all the time and effort she'd put into making their relationship work was a "waste" since it didn't lead to where she'd hoped it would. yeouch. thankfully, she's in a better spot now.

these kinds of situations made me realise just how much people want to be loved, even when the cons begin to outweigh the pros. obviously, relationships are so much more complicated than this, and i'm not trying to reduce every unhealthy situation to what i've written about, but i underestimated just how strong the desire to feel wanted can be. to be honest, i'm guilty of chasing after the feeling of being chosen more than love itself. i think it's the validation that makes it feel so fulfilling, even if it's fleeting. and, as mentioned earlier, there's also the subconscious worry of falling behind.

i know i shouldn't feel pressured to rush into anything, but i think the people around me, particularly in school, conditioned me to believe that romantic relationships were something to prioritise over everything else and preserve at all costs - as if having those experiences and being desired by someone else was proof that you were worthy of something. of course, there's the queer aspect of this all too, and how going to an all-girls school impacted now only how i viewed intimacy but how i viewed myself. until now, i still have trouble figuring my sexuality out, but i've given up on finding a definitive label. i just like whoever i like, gender aside. that's a whole other discussion though.

anyway, i'm glad to say that i've found like-minded people since then. i've never actively tried to look for a relationship, but i think my views on romance as a whole could've been healthier. i'm very grateful they helped shift my perspective. as i said in my microblog, there's something uniquely comforting about knowing someone when the care and affection between you aren't centred around sexual attraction or romance. it's steady. there's no reason to "perform" or prove your worth through desirability.

ever since i was a lil kid, i've viewed intimacy in such a sad and shallow way. i'd like to think that the older i get, the more i understand its complexities - as well as myself.

i'd love to hear your own thoughts and opinions... hearing other perspectives on this would be nice and eye-opening. feel free to email me if you'd rather not have your response out in the open!

take care, callie

who up lenkering they adrianne rn,

i saw big thief live! life has been worth living. the setlist was amazing! they even played a few of adrianne lenker's songs - real house and anything. yes, i cried. (｡ᵕ ◞ _◟) the girl standing next to me was crying, too. we made eye contact for a moment, then burst out laughing... if i'm not mistaken, i think they also played a lot of unreleased songs!

zero complaints against the concert itself, but the people around us were a little annoying. lots of shoving and pushing towards the barricade. my friend and i managed to get relatively close to it, but we just kept getting pushed further and further back. an entire family appeared out of no where midway through the opener (laraaji!), and of course they were all practically 6'4", so our view of the stage was blocked for a bit... we got flashbanged with a torch by security multiple times too because some people kept taking photos with flash. irritating as hell, but it's whatever!

i managed to buy a t-shirt and capacity CD before we left! still geeking out about it because it's one of my all-time favourite albums?! it was the last one they had in stock, too!!!! they also had dragon new warm mountain i believe in you CDs for sale, which i reaaally wanted to buy, but they were all sold out?!%*@

tomorrow's the last day of my art exam, which means i only have a few more exams left until i'm 100% finished with sixth form! i can't wait for uni... our entire year group is planning to go to the beach next week. crazy how we even managed to organise it. i'm really excited! i haven't been to the beach in ages, i just hope the weather is gonna be nice.

still itching to rehaul the site, but this blog update will do for now.

mwaaah, callie

hellooo,

general life update! i've been itching to code but i legiterally have zero time now. i miss updating my site every day guuuuugghhh. i was working on a microblog layout, but i've scrapped it for now cause i don't want to bomb my exams. i'm getting kinda bored of this layout though. i really miss my plaid backgrounds and lace trims?! i have plans for her-letters v2, just need to restrain myself until i'm actually free. ᕙ( •̀ ᗜ •́ )ᕗ

i've been in my school's art department from 9AM - 5PM through monday to friday for the past 2 weeks. my posture has definitely seen better days (ㆆ_ㆆ) since i've finished all the coursework for my other subjects, my teachers are completely fine with me skipping their classes. honestly, i've been treating this year like i'm already in uni. it's not even funny anymore - my attendance has been awful. the content i need to revise for written exams is available online though, so i'm not that stressed out.

my art exam is next week and i'm dreading it? though i'm also quite excited cause i love painting hehe. the exam spans over 4 days from 9AM - 1PM! my canvases reach eye level from the ground up. i don't remember the exact measurements, but for reference, i'm about 5'7"... thankfully, we can prep beforehand. i'll show photos in a future entry once my project's been graded! here's some stuff i've been working on recently:

i love printmaking and linocutting, but the amount of times i've stabbed my fingers with my carving tools is diabolical.

i've only finished the underpainting for the piece on the left, but i'm happy with how it looks so far. the string portrait though... i don't know what possessed my teacher to make me do this. it's really cool, but it's taking me forever to sew it and i think i've pricked myself more than i've punctured the canvas.

anyway, my birthday is next month! i'll be finished with my exams the week after (mid-may), but my friends won't finish theirs until mid-june which suuucks. they all do STEM subjects, so they have so many practical + written exams. i have no idea when we'll be able to hang out outside of school or the library when we're studying. we all turn into hobbits when it comes to exam season. ("- ࡇ -)

on a much brighter note, i'll be going to a big thief concert veryyy soon! so much for having "zero" free time LMFAOO... but it's big thief, so i'm letting this slide for myself. i think i'll burst into tears as soon as i see adrianne lenker in the flesh. the entire band in general, really. i'll be going with a friend, and i'm planning on meeting up with her this weekend to make make lil patchwork t-shirts to wear to the concert. super duper excited?£"%?!@""

i have so much to talk about, but i need to lock the fuck in. bye bye, take care.

kind regards, callie

the suuun is ouuut,

i hope you've been doing well. i always fail to realise how much i've missed spring until it rolls around again. my friend and i made the most of the weather and went for an impromptu drive, just look at this -- it was a little windy, but it was so beautiful.

lately, i've been trying to be more thoughtful about shopping, particularly for clothing. for me, that means being honest with myself about whether i'll actually wear something or if i just want it for a cheap hit of dopamine... being mindful of materials, too. my family moved house back in november, so i cleared my wardrobe and sold/donated a bunch of clothes i don't actively wear or see myself wearing any longer. cha-ching.

curating my wardrobe and style is something i think i'd like to document? i plan on making a page dedicated to upcycling and fashion in general. i really like clothes, okay... in the meantime, i want to show you a few pieces i've picked up recently. just click the images if you'd like to see them better!

sooo freakin' sick. i typically browse in thrift shops and on the oh so lovely app, vinted. #VintedWarrior. you'd have to pry vinted from my cold, decrepit hands. who doesn't love a good bargain?

apart from that, life's been pretty uneventful. i finish school in ~3 months and if i manage to get the grades needed for my offers, i'll be studying architecture at uni. most of my friends will be moving elsewhere, which i'm trying my best not to dwell on... it's fine, we ball.

have you seen the casting annoucement for the life is strange show? i know a lot of fans have mixed feelings about it, but i'm excited nonetheless. same with the live-action adaptation of look back. i've only ever heard good things about hirokazu kore-eda's work, so i'm stoked. even if it ends up being different from what's expected, i'm sure it'll be an interesting watch. honestly, i'm more preoccupied with preparing myself to get emotionally pummelled for the third time.

there's lots to look forward to! i hope 2026 will be a good year. i'm glad i'm motivated to code again.

take care, callie